Wednesday, September 28, 2005
i'm going to isolate myself. don't bother coming near.
so what if i'm in depression. life still goes on. and this means that i will stay in this state until i gets out of it?
i'm very sorry claaar. but just don't bother about me for this period of time. focus on your exams. i can't be cured. and when i start complaining to you, you can ignore them. i just needed someone whom i can complain to.
but no. i'm never going to open up again. i shall bottle up everything. since i can't anyone i can confide in for EVERYTHING. sorry claaar. but i do confide some things in you.
i seriously wish i won't stay in this state. i'm been very moody in school and everyone start asking. i'm been very bad tempered at home and i keep quarrelling. i've even been ignoring some people. ahh. i'm sorry. i can't help it.
all i need to do now is to mug. that's where i can be living in my own little world.
au revoir.
"i rather die in hong kong than in singapore so that you will not be able to attend my funeral"only one sentence. and that was enough to take away a friend whom i could confide in. and result of that. i'm in this state now.i'm never felt so terrible in my whole life. what exactly happened, i don't remember. cause there were simply too many. and what can i do? nothing. goodbye to the outside world.
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
5:27 AM
Friday, September 23, 2005
sorry syaz. sorry li qin. sorry lynnette. sorry melanie. sorry to people who scolded me today. i mean it.
i will try to heed all your advice and stop. i shall try to knock some sense into myself.
i am still having many feelings. but i think i should stop. not worth doing all these to myself because of
some people. or rather
this person.my head is still spinning. i am still emotionally unstable. i think i should just lock myself up and cry. that's a better way of coping.
i realised that there are many people who care. to all those people, SORRY and THANKS.
need to get some rest.
au revoir!
thank you li qin for knocking some sense into me yesterday.thank you syaz for knocking some sense into me today.i love you both. (: i still haven't tell her the truth. i'm scared. but it is not MY fault. it just happened. so why am i afraid?
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
3:13 AM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
i'm confused. i've cried until i can't cry anymore. because simply there's no more tears. which makes me feel more terrible. i'm not in the right state of mind.
ahh. li qin. quick. come and scold me. i want to cry. if not i will remain in this miserable state forever. ahh.
i'm still hiding the truth. and the consequences if mom finds out? it is going to be real terrible.
forget it. i shall just brood on everything that had happened.
au revoir.
sorry to those people who i haven't been talking to lately. i can't seem to get over everything. so just give me time so that i can sort everything out. sorry lena. bottling up everything is FUN.quoted from teens:
it takes courage to cut oneself and it is painful. yet after the initial pain, our bodies go into a state of relief, in the form of joy and well-being, due to the endorphins being simulated to help mask the feelings of pain.
self-abuse is a way some of us cope with stress in our lives. it is not a sickness or madness. it's a way of coping.
having just faced something terrible, having many feelings inside and not being able to talk is too much for them to bear.
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
9:36 AM
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
failure means the end of the world.
i'm not letting it happen again. but i never seemed to learn from my lesson, do i?
failure in one area is enough. well, then i shall bury myself into textbooks for now. and aim for perfection in studies.
there is no hope in passing. i screwed the scales up. my first piece. my sight-reading. that's enough for the examiner to fail me. oh wells.
no more wasting of time.
au revoir!
i've dared to dream. and aim high.i have never gave up on my harvard dream.thanks to kelly. (:off to harvard we two shall go.oh yes. i've never forgotten about you shilbe. (:that's our promise. and we shall keep it.ohh. claaar! you are still suppose to come with me to harvardd! or university of toronto. either one. (: free lodging for the second choice?oh yes. 2e9 came up with a hypothesis.
-people becomes high on important days, such as examinations.
how smart can we be. we are geniuses!
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
8:54 AM
Monday, September 19, 2005
i'm scareddd. can you feel that my heart is beating super fast. i bet you can. ahh. helppp. i'm hyper-ventilating. well, maybe not that much. but i will. once TOMORROW comes.
mep practical is tomorrow. TOMORROW.
okay. that point is very clear. the tomorrow in caps is practically of no use. ahh. who cares. and i'm typing crap. ahh.
and my pieces are all screwed up. i can't play my semi-quavers properly. i definitely do not play my pieces expressively. i... i... i... ahh. there's just something wrong.
oh great. calm down. i need to calm down. and i still don't have any tranquilizers at home.
piano exam is on wednesday. WEDNESDAY. the day after tomorrow.
yes. that point is even more clear. die. scales. i don't know how to play melodic minor!! and my appeggios. ahh. i can't SING for aural. i can't play the mordents properly for my pieces. i cannot aim for the right notes. ahh. if i fail again, i'm so going to kill myself.
breathe in. breathe out. i still don't feel any better. oh wells.
i'm so running out of time. better catch up with my studying. like syaz. she even study on the bus even when the exams are not THAT near. i'm still on my second chapter of science. oh nice.
ahh. i'm wasting time again. alright.
au revoir!
i made a mistake which torn everything apart. i'm trying to piece everything back together again.
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
5:00 AM
Sunday, September 11, 2005
i shall just blog about this few days. though not exactly in the mood to do so.
before i forget. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICIA! ((: at least i didn't forget. i shall get you a present next year. that's what i promised theresa too. haha.
today. did nothing. finished up geog assignment. i think i'm going to fail. haven't completed chinese. neither have i completed lit. shall do that later. so basically i was doing last minute work today.
saturday. woke up at 7.05am. overslept. or rather refused to wake up. only had 3 hours of sleep. li qin and poh yi reached my house downstairs at 7.45? went down only at 8. cause i was not ready? was tip-toeing around the house. didn't want to wake my mother up. cause apparently she will question me and i don't want her to do that. i just wanted her to read the note. so we had breakfast at the area beside the swimming pool. mcdonalds. hotcakes. (: then left my house at 8.40? when we were supposed to meet kelly at 9. wasted lots of time. but managed to complete scene 1 and 2 before i got to go. i was not in the last scene. rushed down to paramount. took cab. met theresa before violin. got pissed at violin again. decided to go straight home after that. did a little of geog. took a nap. and then it was time to go two storey down to dad's friend house for dinner. haha. went to neighbours' house after me and fiona finished eating. no point staying. cause it will only bore us out. did a little of chinese and lit at neighbours' house. went back to dad's friend house at 12 plus. stayed there until 2.30? then came home and slept the moment i jumped into bed.
friday. bad day. sigh. shan't talk about it. stayed at home the whole day. did geog. and that's all. watched two episodes of jewel in the palace. so nice. i'm so going to get addicted to it.
thursday. stringe in the morning. natasha waited for me at the bus stop. she was very early. and i was on time. ((: string was quite alright i guess. then rushed home for piano. by the time piano teacher left the house, li qin and poh yi was already waiting at the swimming pool. they came up. i ate my lunch. then we left for east coast park. we did scene 1 and 3. but in the end, didn't use it cause couldn't hear our voice. oh well. at 8 plus came back. slacked at the swimming pool area. sat on the bridge talking again. did our final advertisement. and they left at 11. mom scolded me when i went up. and i ate my dinner only then. but i wasn't hungry before that anyway. yeah. that's about it.
sigh. back to school tomorrow. this holiday shouldn't even be called a holiday. and i didn't even study? shall work really hard once school starts. which is tomorrow. yes. haha.
the scars are itchy. i don't know why. and i am scratching them like crazy.
a lot of things are stuck in my head now. and i have this uneasy feeling again. if leaving here will solve everything, i would. oh great. i'm pushing this thought out of my mind.
alright. got to complete chinese. it's like super hard.
au revoir!
i love li qin.i love poh yi.i love syaz.i love kelly.i love lena.i love jing ying.i love claaar.i love theresa!there. another new darling. ((: 8-timer? haha.
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
9:21 AM
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
okay. i'm back to post. a short one i guess. but i will definitely end up with a long one. but the rate of rubbish i'm typing.
hmm. just came back from the airport. li qin, poh yi and jing ying still there, happily studying. yes. not fair. they can study overnight there. and i can't. but this is because i simply do not have the guts to ask my mother. and i can simply predict that her answer will be a no. so at least i managed to study for 3 hours with them. (: met jy at 6 at the parkway bus stop. i mean i was supposed to meet her at 6. but reached at 6.22. yes. i was late. had a hard time persuading my mom to let me out of the house. and apparently i told her i was going for project. OPPS. now i feel so guilty. hmm. who cares. anyway we went to macs. got ice cream. met meng mei. and then off we went to the airport. we actually waited for half an hour for the dumb 36 bus. then we alighted at terminal 1 and went to ntuc to get sweets and chocolates. i still have lots of lollipops with me now. ((: then we took the skytrain to terminal 2. and jy complained that bk was too crowded. SO we went back to terminal 1. after deciding for a long long time, jy decided not to argue with me. cause i preferred terminal 2. as you see, the mrt station is like just next to bk. and the AMBIENCE there is so much better.
so final decision. terminal 2 bk. oh yes. at that time, li qin and poh yi were still not there. they arrived at 8.30? so we started first without them. actually we didn't do much. we bought food and both of them arrived. then we started studying. yayy. i actually studied. although we did talk a lot. then called mom at 10. explaining that we haven't finish our project. and she actually asked what time does the library closes. OPPS. she nearly saw through my lies. but apparently i told her i don't know. so left at 10.30. cause apparently the three of them kept asking me to go back. they were afraid my mom would er scold me? and then here i am. ((: had lots of fun. wanna go againn.
yesterday. li qin, poh yi and huda came my house at er 11.30am. do project. we started off in my room. then had lunch. and after lunch i was sick of my room. so made them go down to the swimming pool area where the tables and chairs are. then we continue doing our script. in between had breaks. where we er played with water? haha. at 5.30 huda left. i made li qin and poh yi stay behind. we talked and talked and talked. on the bridge. hee. nice place to talk. and we got partially wet? cause my neighbours were actually swimming. more like playing in the pool. and water tend to get on the bridge. so that's how we got kind of wet. li qin and poh yi were kind of irritated. haha. i didn't care cause i am used to it. so they left at 7.30. how sad. and i studied at night. science! half the chapter. (: how accomplished.
tomorrow there's stringe. and after that there's piano? very rushh. and then li qin and poh yi are coming my house AGAINN. haha. off to bukit timah nature reserve after that. to er record the video at BUKIT TIMAH HILL. ahh. i'm so NOT willing to go. but i think it will be lots of fun. ((:
alright. shall start doing my geog ca.
au revoir!
when will the last time be, when i stand in the departure hall of changi airport, and say goodbye to singapore? where i will leave everything behind and bring memories with me.
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
11:34 AM
Monday, September 05, 2005
okay. i'm back to blog. yes i know that my blog has been dead for 1 week and 2 days. don't have to remind me. and cheryl. i'm still alive. don't worry. i won't die so fast. and what's more. i won't die in s'pore. just wasn't in the best of mood to blog. okay. i shall 'summarise' the week.
today. woke up at 12? haha. then slacked. went for bowling. hate my sister's ball. preferred the ball they provided there. at least i got 2 strikes in a row using the ball at the bowling centre. then cabbed down to day and night. was too early. so waited for li qin kelly and pohyi to appear. huda couldn't come cause she got tuition. we couldn't do anything cause the script is with her. so they all went home. and i went to parkway with jy and mel after much consideration. settled down at macs after a long time. cause of that jy. so troublesome. haha. jy ate dinner. i got a drink. mel bought nothing. so we talked. and gossip. yeah. got ice cream. jy and mel kind of studied. i was watching them study. cause apparently i brought nothing there. then met flora. hope her nose haven't drop off yet. haha. yes. her nose was cute. red little nose. HAHA. left macs at 7.30pm. after much talking. had a fun and nice time though. and it was a nice talk. (: but didn't quite manage to piss jy off. i'm trying to piss jy off now. ((:
sunday. hmm. where did i go? ohh. royal china for lunch. walked to marina square. watched herbie. it was quite alright. hmm. amusing too? haha. then went for dinner. and back home? oh yes. was super pissed yesterday. and was like super depressed. so felt like doing that. that was the reason why my mom found it under the blanket. (that's for jy to read. hee.)
saturday. no violin! wahaha. so happy. we went to siglap macs for er lunch? haha. then i bought er stationery. wahaha. so nice. it's orange. then came home. slacked. then at night went to dad's friend's house for dinner. was very tired. so while the adults was chatting. i was on the sofa dozing off. and fiona they all were watching tv. so no harm dozing off. yeah. stayed there until 12 plus.
friday. last day of school! apparently no very enjoyable. firstly got to bring back all my books. and secondly got my progress report. was super disappointed with my marks. though i was relieved at first cause i at least got a A2? but come to think of it, it's nothing to be proud of. it's like below my expectations. disappointing. was super depressed too. sigh. oh well. i can't do anything to change that fact, can i? i just have to work harder and pull my marks up. my last and only hope, end of years. so i shall study real hard. er. i mean it but that doesn't mean i can do it. ahh. must not discourage myself. yes. i can do it. ((:
thursday. violin exam. had piano lesson before that. and i practiced? luckily i practiced. (: cause apparently my piano teacher was playing the accompaniment for me. yeah. so we reached there. had very little time to prepare. and no time to be scared at all. so off i went in. played. come out. and i started panicking. i don't know why. was super stressed out. after a while, then i became normal. had lunch at paramount. then wanted to go pp. but too lazy, so went home on my own. slept the whole afternoon. that was how i spent the day. sighh.
wednesday. teachers' day celebration. fun fun fun. the party wasn't that enjoyable? haha. took very little photos. how sad. hmm. then went around forcing people to finish the ice cream. but wasn't as successful as jy. then concert. was quite alright i guess. still preferred last year's celebration. after that. went to bugis with isabella, ruo yu and pei qi. with ruo yu around, it's always terrible. had lunch at macs. then went to kcp. met claaar there. and apparently no teachers were around. so we just ate. then left for starbucks at siglap. studied. yes. we actually studied. in peace for half an hour. haha. cause we set a rule. no one is allowed to talk for that half an hour if not the person have to treat the other a mcflurry. so yeah. we studied then went home. cause mom was screaming at me to get home and practice my violin.
tuesday. opps. i can't remember anything. wahh. ohh! i know already. grandma, aunt and cousins left singapore. like finally. opps. hee. but after school went pp with pohyi, liqin, delia and kelly. had lunch. then ice cream. and liqin me and pohyi cabbed down to town. they dropped me off at ps. then had violin at ps. and saw liqin and pohyi there after violin. so we bought the teachers' day present and then i had to go home. so sadd. so yeah.
monday. nothing much. wanted to skip string. but decided not to. oh yes. skipped sectionals though. cause apparently i refused to go to fourth level and look for them. and they were there. haha.
sunday. the only day i managed to spend time with my grandma, aunt and cousins. wasn't a fun experience though. had lunch at royal china. then went down to orchard. had lots of food. at least put on a kg. then dinner at mache.
hmm. i guess that's all. tomorrow there's geog project. sighh. they're coming over to my house. shall pack my room tomorrow morning. and wednesday. off to airport to study after geog project? but i can't stay overnight. how sad.
okay. such a long post. shall end here.
au revoir!
i shall type out my darling list again. haha.
not in any order.
i love li qin.i love poh yi.
i love kelly.
i love syaz.
i love lena.i love claaar.and lastly. added just recently. more like today.
i love jing ying!((:
yes. jy. i'm a
7-timer. (: hee. but still. i'm
STRAIGHT. you start that stupid conversation again and you shall see if you can survive. hahaha.
vicki the SEXY sunshine loves you!
11:16 AM
